Board of Aldermen

First and foremost, there is no reason for the accompanying picture. I simply found out how to insert pictures and decided to do so. Did you expect any less? The Triple-Tech portrayed is called Arc Impulse (an attack with an ice slash) and is my favored end-all technique. However, the streak of flame shown should actually be ice, as that is Marle's element (fire is Lucca's). It requires Crono, Marle, and Frog to know the Single-Techs Spincut (4mp), Ice 2 (8mp), and Leap Slash (4mp) respectively. But who doesn't know that? Now then...

In my 23 years here on this planet, I've had double that in birthdays, Christmas's, and random other times that you might get gifts; "Jesus died in a horrible fashion today. Have a Han Solo action figure." As a direct result, I've come into possession of a lot of crap (which some of you know as stuff), some of it good crap and some of it bad crap. The good gifts were generally those you saw and pointed at and rolled around on the floor in front of until you were appropriately beaten by said parent (None of that time-out nonsense. We were real kids dammit!). The bad gifts were a combination of ignorance...

("I don't know what to get Chris. I bet he'd like a purple sweater that his mother will make him wear to school where his peers will tease him until he cries. Or maybe a book. Yes, 8 year olds enjoy reading books. Especially long ones without pictures.")

...and cheapness.

(Scootypuff Sr. versus Scootypuff Jr.; G.I. Joe versus G.I. Hank; Lite Brite versus knitting)

After awhile you become aware that you stand a much better chance of opening something you actually want on the morning-of if you just tell your loved ones what you want. Otherwise you run the gambit of the curtain which could have anything behind it (invincibility, world domination, the Batman Animated Series Season 3) but runs the chance of being a bust: "Oh. A turtle neck. Thanks Grandma." And while Adam Gilberts life was changed forever, the rest of us were just disappointed. This year the guncat actually made a list of the items he wanted, what they are (game, book, etc.), where to find them, and how much they cost. Yes, chriskonkey will purr contentedly this 25th.

But where’s the surprise? Wasn’t the surprise a big part of what made the holiday great when we were wee lads? To lay eyes on a bunch of shiny packages in different sizes and shapes and nearly mess yourself with anticipation of what could be in yonder Transformer paper? Think of those times when you unexpectedly received a gift that you truly cherished. Were they not much more memorable moments? It’d be cool if you could go to someone who could read minds and find out what the perfect gifts would be, yet Mantis died at Shadow Moses and Xavier is out chasing a white whale only to find a gray thinky whale.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: would you want someone to get you a gift cause you asked for it or because they knew you well enough to get it for you, knowing this is a rarity?

Also, according to my clock, merry Christmas, Aldies.

-Mowr!-

My brain's been thinking on something of late: whatever happened to the casual Magic? There was once a time, in the ancient past, when we would get together and play Magic for fun. Now, enraged Magic players, I do not mean to say that Type 2 constructed can't be fun, but it isn't really the same thing in my estimation. Allow me to make a list, because that's apparently what we do now.

- I've got this deck ...: When we first started playing Magic, we would make decks from what cards we had. We made new decks when we got new cards, we integrated sets willy nilly. Fun was had. When someone would step up and say "I've got this deck idea," it meant that he looked through his cards, maybe got new cards, and had some idea perhaps a crazy combo and put something together to mess around with, get a feel for how the deck works. Now, Magic online brings right to our e-doorsteps the most effective decks. Yes, we make our versions of decks, but we don't make truly original decks anymore. "But LHP," you say, "what's this 'original' jibber-jabber you're talking? There's only so many cards in the set, etc." Variations on existing decks, combinations read about online, are less creative than something constructed by you, out of the cards you have direct access to.

- A Friendly Game: We don't seem to play for the fun of playing anymore. If we play when we are just hanging out, it isn't "playing a game," it's testing a deck, fine-tuning a tweaked version of a competitive deck so that come Tuesday or Friday, it has a better chance of winning. Magic is a means to victory, to win more Magic cards, to build the newer decks, ad infinitum. There's a reason we don't make truly original decks anymore. What's the point in trying to play an original deck against one that has been concieved of by Magic "professionals" and reconstituted for the sake of Type 2 play? Winning isn't everything, but why bring a soapbox racer to the Indy 500? Casual Magic, for all intents and purposes, is dead to us now.

- Moving on Up: We can talk about sophistication for a bit. We've evolved beyond the silliness of that unstructured play, tournament Magic gives a stricter format and a chance for a more competitive environment. Your talk of casual Magic is regressive, LHP; we've gone from playing basketball in the driveway to playing for a league, why go back? I can see that perspective, but I guess I'm making a "love of the game" arguement. Part of the game is making a deck, trying to come up with something fun/cool/powerful, and how removed are you from that process when you have to put together one of a handful of decks to remain competitive?

-Spreading the Love: A bit off topic, but roll with me. There are those reading this, many on the Board, who aren't Magic players. I think it's hard to attract someone to the Magic without casual Magic. If you found someone you thought might be interested in Magic and said "Hey man, I'm going to Friday Night Magic, I think you should come. [now, you have either] a) I'll let you play one of my decks. or b) Read X articles online and find something you like and we'll try to get it together (where X is the number of tapped articles)." Option a) cuts out the fun and understanding that comes from deck construction and option b) seems like a lot of homework for someone with a passing interest. How does someone get interested in Magic, and have any fun getting into it, without casual Magic?

-More than one way: Yes, I can draft. I can play sealed tournaments (though those are pretty much just pre-releases). But, those are limited, you have to pay out quite a bit for cards (and occasionally wake up sinfully early on a Saturday). If there is no casual Magic environment, what is the point of owning the cards if one doesn't want to play Type 2 in a Type 2 group of people? (NO, you cannot have my cards)


I don't really have a "point" as such. Just thought I'd throw that out to the Magicians, who all cringed when they saw me refer to them as "Magicians." Anyway you like your Magic, may the magic of the holiday (fully secularized and politically correct) be with us everyone.

As the newcomer to this blog, I would just like to make my presence felt with a short rant. Why is it that every year people in Oklahoma act like they've never encountered snow? The cool- "Wwwwwull,-I'm-a-truck-man"-types drive like their motorized bobsled is on fire, seemingly trying to dodge the oncoming white flakies. Hitting too many of these "flakies," of course, would cause irreversible damage to their sa-weet truck. Then, of course you have the hundreds of people who invade wal-mart and other grocery stores as if we're going to be snowed in for a fortnight. All traffic, commerce, and world activity will come to a halt....because there's snow in Oklahoma. Gotta love it. Also, I can't wait to venture to work in the conditions tomorrow with the aforementioned "truck man," who will no doubt be out and about in full force tomorrow.

Aside from dealing with travel in winter conditions, winter is probably my favorite time of the year. Yes, it's cold; but there's just special something in the air that makes it different and enjoyable. Maybe it's the hope of good sledding, hanging out with friends, and..........REVENGE!!! (more on that later)

In conclusion, I know most of us are big music fans. To me, there are some albums that just strike me as "winter" albums. I'm going to list a few of mine. Please feel free to throw in your winter albums as well.

Weezer - Pinkerton
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Fiona Apple - When the Pawn...
Radiohead - Kid A/Amnesiac
Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American (January/February drives to Stillwater back in '02 anyone?)
Sigur Ros - ( )
Hope of the States - The Lost Riots

ON THE EVE of my return to the region of the maroon people, I am struck by the recent down turn the blog has taken. The last 5 posts have been little more than lists, and their lazy authors have hidden the meaninglessness of their writing with "clever" postmodern references and quips. I admonish you, gentlemen, to remember our legacy. Recall the great moments in our blog's history. Look back upon our weighty conclusions. Consider that our blog has been a monument to collegiate excellence. December 5th's brief but disconcerting power play has made clear to me the finitude and fragility of our digital existence. Gentlemen, there are those out there that need our help, and, consequently, there are those out there who wish us harm. Let us not, in the throes of youthful indulgence, shirk our moral and intellectual responsibilities. Let us not be but a passing storm, but rather an Ice Age of vituperation against the blossoming springtime of ignorance. But above all, let us act before our time is up, so that, at the end of the story, all will name us heroes of the realm.

Part One
Raise your weary head O Nature! It seems you all are only wont to destroy my good body and neglect the sustenance I have given. You do not bring me gifts, caress my form, nor praise my name; instead, you cry at every slight hiccup in the natural order, claiming 'whore!' and 'treason!'
I do not contest your accusations but rather aim to show the ultimate goal. Even you non-reductivists should be pacified.
Five reasons why Nature does not self-hate (leto, sorry for stealing your hyperlink thunder; actually, no i'm not. it's my thunder to begin with):

1) Randomized evolution takes time dearies. The 747 is not perfect first time 'round. There is bound to be a few misplaced cogs. Now permit me a few times through the scrapyard and you'll one day be satisfied.

2) For each instance of pain and annoyance you cite, I offer a positive counterbalance. To where, I ask, would Bill Shakespeare have sent his lovers, his criminals, kings, and fools if not to me? In my bower I held them; in my bower I will hold you. I am lush and green and fragrant. Apart from me you do nothing.

3) "What holds you up when the earth lets you down?
What holds you up when gravity's corrupted?
I hope atoms are enough, 'cause Eve sure ain't coming."

4) Perhaps my tornoadoes, hurricanes, ice storms, and foul mood have indeed harmed you. May I remind you what great pain we shall inflict upon our enemies, though:
a) Force of Nature + Armadillo Cloak = G. G. Allen
b) Force of Nature + Fling = Burn Piano Island, Burn
c) Force of Nature + Greater Good = Greatest Good
d) Force of Nature + Verdant Force + Child of Gaea = BOMBO

5) And lastly... Massive Attack: Radiation Ruling the Nation.


Part Two
I wanted to share this with someone. 'Someone' turns out to be 'all you a-men.' Last night (Mon. 5th), I snuck back behind enemy lines to return to T-Town (mind your foxholes better next time recruits). The purpose of my trip included a visit over to City Hall where I got to sit in court for a good while with 35-40 total strangers. We then paraded ourselves in front of a traffic judge (who reminded me a good deal of Bob Balaban), unwillingly expose our criminal offences to the curious world, and cast deplorable glances every which way: "I know I'm better than you Janice Johnson, or should I say fake-Tina Turner!!" I encourage everyone of you to dedicate this next week to a small traffic violation so you may share in my joy.
Secondly, while home I also had the privelige of undergoing that rarest of circumstances, aporia. While leaving S-S-Town I had to doubleback towards my house and so I made a turn, approaching the intersection of 4th and Lincoln (y'know the street you take leaving matt's house; the intersection in front of st. patty's). Remember, west-east traffic has no stop sign and they're good to go. North-south = stop signs. Me = approaching from west, trying to turn left. Lady to my left with a frosted over windshield (approx. 2 inches thick), pauses momentarily and then pulls straight ahead into the road as i'm trying to turn left. I panick. My judgment falters. In G-U-N quickdraw mode, I calculate my will to live versus my desire to turn left. I deliberated, demanding 'Left-Turn' explain itself to me. It, however, offered no worthwhile excuse; only breath wreaking of malt liquor and stained trousers. Abandoning my original plan, I instead zoomed ahead and turned back north a block farther down. Crisis averted.
I stand before you an alive and changed man.
"Thank God for grantin me this moment of clarity..."

1) It's not cool when you see a late movie, one that gets out after the last public bus leaves. It's also not cool when its 13 degrees outside. It's especially not good when it's been raining all day, and everything concrete or pavement or brick in your whole city is covered with about 3 millimeters of ice, and you have to skate home on your worn out Steve Maddens. O Nature, I don't have ice skates. I don't want to skate across icy bridges at 2:00 in the morning. Nature wanted to punish me for watching Aeon Flux, because the plants in that film are Abomination. And because Charlize Theron is Abomination. In a different way.

2) It's not cool that I have to leave my apartment to use my cellphone. It's much less cool that it rains a lot in Columbus. It's not cool at all when Nature tries to murder me with bolts of lightning just because I want to talk to people. Moral: be a hermit or be murdered with lightning.

3) Sooner or later, Nature's gonna getcha; sooner or later, Nature's gonna win. Long Hair Paul know's what I'm talking about. And if he doesn't, Nature's gonna get him.

4) It's not cool when Nature uses tornadoes to throw cows at Bill Paxton, inadvertently endangering Helen Hunt's life. British Petroleum there probably does need to get hit with a cow, especially after Thunderbirds, but Helen Hunt doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Nature could've easily waited until Spy Kids, Vertical Limit, or Club Dread to beat him with cows. Incidentally, did you know that you can spell the plural of tornado with or without an 'e'? I went with the 'e'.

5) It's not cool when Nature flings two horrible hurricanes at the U.S. in one season. It's even worse that she sends female hurricanes. I mean, you'd think Mother Nature would be more sensitive to the depiction of women in American media. Way to be nurturing and supporting, Mama N. Give a sister a break.

So sometimes when I'm waiting for class to begin and I'm not blasting my eardrums with PodTunes, I listen in on conversations to see what stupid stupids I can hear. Sometimes, they even happen IN THE MIDDLE of class. Here are five of my favorites (in no particular order). And before you ask me, yes these are all true stories.

#1. SetUp - Two Frat boys griping about class.

Fratty #1. "Man I don't wanna go to class."
Fratty #2. "What class is it man?"
Fratty #1. "Botony."
Fratty #2. "Dude why the hell did you take botony?"
Fratty #1. "Cause I didn't want to take a science class."


#2. SetUp - My favorite fat lard of a Non-Traditional student in Early Western Civ making his typical ignorant/intolerant comment.

Fatty Non-Trad: "So why do Muslims believe in the Quran? I mean it doesn't even make sense."
(Wow...wow)


#3. SetUp - Drunk Bastards: Part 1

Drunkie #1: "Man I was so blazed last night. I don't even remember the party. It was so much fun."
(Now in case you're missing why that is dicronculous, how can you know it was fun if you don't remember? That's like saying, "The womb was so fun. I mean I don't remember it, but it was AWESOME!")


#4. SetUp - Kid who doesn't quite get it as soon as everyone else in EWC. So we're talking about the Crusades...

SlowKid: "Hey this is kinda like that movie Kingdom of Heaven."
Doc Rogers: "Uhhhh yeah...that movie was about the crusades..."
SlowKid: "What? Oh...ooooohhhhhh ok."


#5. SetUp - Perhaps my favorite story of all time. Drunk bastards: Part Duex

DB 2: "So I was at Josh's bachelor party last night and this bitch was bitchin at me because my car was blocking 2 parking spots. So Josh told her to park 3 spaces down so that she can walk off some of that 35 pounds of ass of hers. So I was like "YEAH!" But then Mark went down and moved my car so she could park and she was all like "Thank You"...so I pissed on her windshield."

So those are some of my favorites. Let's hear yours!

Here are some of the clever (lame) things freshmen--and students of ALL ages--devise to give themselves extensions.

1) Any number of vague personal issues: "my family is having problems"; "i had to pick up my car, and your class was the only time i could do it"; "my computer overheated and i had to have some geeks restore my hard drive"; "when i restored my hard drive i realized i didn't have the registration disk for my printer."

2) In a similar vein, technical ineptitude (subterfuge): "I don't know why the attachment was empty, I uploaded my paper"; I couldn't open your email"; "my disk with the paper on it stopped working"; "I don't know why the last eight attachments I sent you were empty; maybe I'm doing something wrong"; "I was using Works (who the shit still uses Works??) and then I started on another computer with Word and it screwed it up"; "you have to upload attachments? what?"

3) Low tech subterfuge: "I couldn't find your office"; I couldn't find your mailbox"; "I couldn't find your building"; "I swear I put it in your mailbox; somebody must have STOLEN it!"; I thought I was supposed to email it to you in an attachment..."

Consider: is your beer addled brain really that much cleverer than mine? I mean I know I'm just some schmuck who "can't make it in the real world," but is this crap how people really do succeed?

Also consider: just because I don't call you out on your unoriginal ploys doesn't mean I won't fail your sorry ass.